A Dog Named Fred

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     Call me Ishmael. Well not really. My name’s Fred, but someone once said that was a good way to start a story. Yeah, I know its plagiarism, but give me a break. I’m not exactly the sharpest tack in the box. What do you expect from a dog? Yeah, that’s right. I’m a dog, a German Sheppard actually. Funny thing is I don’t speak German. Come to think of it, I don’t speak at all. 
     So, now you’re probably wondering how I’m telling you this story. Well, that’s the magic of ink and paper. I can do anything and call it creative license. Besides, the story I’m about to tell you is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent, but nobody’s innocent! The only name I’m going to change is mine. What kind of a cruel person names a dog Fred? I’ll tell you who: Jonah R. Trundle, that’s who. He thought some song about a guy named Fred was funny, and so here I am. Fred the dog, but you can call me William. Yeah, I like William. It’s a good strong name. Say it with me: William. Good.
     It all started with a car ride to the park.  Jonah was driving.  His mate, Honey Mom, was in the passenger seat, and Son was in the back.   I like Son.  He's a good kid.  He throws a good ball, but he's a little slow, though.  He should have adopted a family long before now.  I left home at six weeks when I adopted Jonah and Honey Mom. 

    He's respectful to his mother and calls her by her last name: Mom.  Jonah calls her by her first name: Honey.  Son calls Jonah Dad, but he's the only one.  Everybody else calls him Jonah.  He stated his full name when I adopted him.  Jonah R. Trundle.  Anyway, Son's been hanging around for almost nine years.
    Anyway, there we were in the car.  I had my head out the sunroof and my wind face on.  My tongue was a flapping in the breeze, my ears were making that “Ppppbbbbt” noise, and Son was petting me.  I'm telling you that life was almost as good as it gets...DUCK!  No silly, don't duck.  I saw a duck.  It's not important now, but it was then.  Now, back to the story.
    We pulled into the parking lot, and Jonah shut the sunroof.  Stayed out as long as I could, but it pinched my nose.  No matter.  CREEK!  Oh, did I mention the park had a creek?  That was my first destination.  
    As soon as Son opened the door, I shot across his lap and out the door.  I was at the creek before Son could yell "William."  Well he yelled "Fred", but I already said I was changing my name.  Anyway, there were fish in the creek, but I couldn't catch any of them.
    BUNNY!  Oh, yeah.  That's what started this whole mess.  I saw a bunny.  He ran and I followed.  All the while I was hearing "William!" coming from somewhere in annoyingville.  I was busy.  Bunnies are very important.  Much more important than ducks.

     Being a dog isn't easy.  It's like something that people call attention deficit disorder.  You try to be good, you try to be attentive, but then some bunny comes along and POW!  It's like being shot out of a cannon.  You just have to do it.  Chase fish, bunnies, butterflies, or whatever else comes your way. 
     Anyway, where was I?  Oh, yeah.  The park.  Well there I was on a warm summer's day in the park.  I had splashed through the creek, was chasing a bunny, and spending time with the family.  FAMILY!  I had forgotten about them completely.  
     I bid the bunny adieu and ran towards the park once more.  It took longer than I expected.  That's the other thing about being a dog.  The only time that is really important is dinnertime and bedtime.  All that stuff in between is just fluff.  FLUFFY MARSH MELLOWS!  Mmmm!  Son gives me marsh mellows.  I like marsh mellows.
     Rats!  I got distracted again.  RATS!  Rats I don't like.  Anyway I finally made my way back to the playground.  Son would be climbing, Jonah would be cooking hotdogs, and Honey Mom would be knitting those little socks.  The bigger her belly gets the more socks she knits.  SOCKS!  Oh, never mind.  Socks are only important when there is a tugger on the other end.
     I got back to the park and no hotdogs, no son, and no socks.  The car was gone too.  Then I saw it leaving the parking lot.  Son's face was plastered to the rear window.  They were ABANDONING ME!  I had to catch them.
      I ran past a bench where a little old lady was feeding pigeons.  PIGEONS!  I ran into the bunch of them barking with all my might, and they scattered leaving bread all over the ground.  BREAD!  I gobbled up what bread was left.  I like bread, too.  Then I remembered the car.  I looked up and it was gone.  I was alone.
      Well, there you go. You adopt a family. You take total responsibility for their safety, entertainment, and food that lands on the floor, and what do you get? ABANDONED! They were all guilty of abandonment: Jonah, Honey Mom, and Son. Tossed aside like a banana peel. BANANAS! I had forgotten I was hungry, but then again I’m always hungry. 
  Sitting there staring at the road wasn’t getting me dinner. I’d have to do what my ancestors did: live off the land. It wasn’t that hard to do really. The dump was only a mile or so away. I could smell it from the park, so off I went to the dump. It wouldn’t be gravy train, but I’m not that picky. DUMP! Pardon me for a few minutes. I have to use the little doggies’ room. 
     The trip to the dump was pretty much uneventful.  Fire hydrants, trees, and bushes prolonged the trip for a few seconds every couple feet.  Hey, I was free, on my own, and was telling the animal kingdom that the world was mine.
     The feelings of abandonment went away until I saw another family with a couple of pups.  What is it about people?  Six weeks and dogs adopt a new family.  People pups stick around forever.
     The dump had a fence and gate.  When I went through the gate, one of the people there ran out of the building and shooed me away.  SHOES!  Natures chew toys.  I like shoes.
     I circled the fence and found a hole on the backside of the property.  I nibbled at a few things here and there, but nothing captured my attention until I got close to the buildings.  I found a nice pile of peanut butter laid out on a small rectangle of wood.  OW!  I didn't see the springy thing that snapped closed on my tongue when I licked the peanut butter.  Oh, yeah.  MOUSE TRAPS!  I hate mouse traps.  I remembered those as I tried to shake the thing off my tongue.  Last time Jonah took it off.  JONAH!!!  Oh, he wasn't there.  I was still abandoned.

     This is the part of the story where the love interest should come in.  The girl that makes the male leads life worth living when he is facing grave danger.  Well, it ain't gonna happen.  Why?  What girl would be interested in a neutered German Sheppard named Fred with a mouse trap stuck on his tongue.  NONE!  Thank you Jonah R. Trundle!   FEMALE!  I remember what they smell like, but don't remember why we sniff them.  Oh, well, on with the story.
     I sat down for a few minutes to bask in my misery.  My stomach was rumbling, my tongue was smarting, and I was still alone.  Okay, enough off the misery.  I got up and headed towards town.  I couldn't eat, but maybe I could still drink water.  There was a nice fountain in the town square.
     I made my way back to the hole in the fence and started down the road. Cars whizzed by me.  CARS!  I like chasing cars.  I liked riding in them, too, but those days were over until I found a new family to adopt.  More trees, more bushes, and more places that needed to be marked.  It took me a long time to get to town, but I finally made it.
      Tired, sore, hungry, and thirsty I tried to get a drink from the fountain.  Tongues don't work very well when you have a mousetrap hanging from them.  I felt something touch my shoulder.  I was being petted.  PETTED!  I like being petted.  I heard a soothing voice, so I closed my eyes for a minute. 
      The man petting me took off the mouse trap.  I drank from the fountain.  Maybe this guy had some food.  FOOD!  Oh, yeah.  I'm still hungry.  He walked over to a truck and came back with a leash.  LEASH!  I don't like leashes.   It's unlawful confinement I tell you!
      He tried to grab my collar.   Okay, Jonah and I used to play tag until he got the leash on me or gave up.  TAG!  I like tag.  It’s my favorite game.  The man touched my collar and I ran.  I'm it!  I ran back a bit, circled him and tagged him from behind a little harder than I meant to.  He landed in the fountain.  I stood there smiling at him as he came up out of the water.  Tag was over, and I won.
     He drew a little stick from his coat and pointed it at me.  STICK!  I like sticks.  Fetch is my second favorite game.  I waited for him to throw the stick when it made a funny little "ppbbbttt" noise.  I felt something like a bee stinging me.  I looked down and there was a another funny little stick stuck in my shoulder.  "Guess I'm it" was my last thought before I fell asleep.  I must have been a lot more tired than I thought.

     Well, when I woke up I was in the slammer.  The bathroom, dining room, and bedroom all combined into one little area.  The food sucked, the floor was cold, and I was ticked.  All of this because the family that I adopted didn't want me anymore.  FAMILY!  I missed Son and Honey Mom, but Jonah was off my list of favorite people.  He's the Alpha Male.  Well, really I am, but he has hands that can open canned food.  I let him think he was in control.
     The warden stopped in to take my picture.  He had something in his hand.  TREAT!  Okay, I like treats, but wardens are questionable.  He plays tag, but cheats.  I gobbled up the treat and went back to the can, the hole, sing-sing.  Life stinks and so does the slammer.
     Time drug on.  Okay time matters when you're doing time in solitary.  Was it morning?  Was it night?  I didn't know.  I ate, I slept, I ate some more, and then slept again.
     I was awakened by the rattle of a key in the lock.  FREEDOM!  I like freedom.  Now was my chance.  I pretended to be asleep.  When the door opened I was busting out.  The hinge creaked as the door opened.  When the creaking stopped, I sprang to my feet only to be grabbed by the warden.  With his arms around my neck I couldn't see anything but the wall.  But the warden didn't smell right.  WAIT!  I knew that smell!  JONAH!  He let me lose and started talking to me.
     "Where have you been pal?"  He asked.  "We had to go.  Momma went into labor.  We waited for you to come back as long as we could."
     I didn't understand what he was saying.  I'm a dog, remember?  Anyway, he left me!  Abandoned!  Son was behind Jonah.  He ran forward, hugged me, and then scratched behind my ears.  EARS!  I like my ears scratched.  Okay, I'll forgive you guys for running away, but next time I run away, I better not get scolded.
     Jonah sprung me and we headed for the car.  Honey Mom was waiting beside it and stooped to hug me as well.  Wait!   What's that sound coming from the box on the hood?  CRYING!  I hate crying!  Honey mom lowered the box for me to see.  Another pup.  A female named Sissy Daughter.  Okay, but in six weeks, she's outta here.
      Then I was back in the car with my head out the sunroof and my wind face on.  My tongue, which was still kinda sore, was flapping in the breeze.  My ears were making that "Ppppbbbbt" noise again.  GACK!  BUG!  I hate bugs, but I love my family!